This blog is full of negative stuff because I seem to only want to blog when I'm sad. I talked to my dad on Skype today a while ago and he still wants to go home. He was on a serious self pity thing but better than last time because at least now, he's talking. He said when he vacations here and goes back to Guam, the first few days to weeks are really hard for him. Like it's messing up his cycle and he wants to go home. A serious case of homesickness. He kept joking about dying from the chest pain and growing old and he was wondering how much more he can take. He will be there alone on Christmas and New Year while I'm out enjoying China and the fireworks in the Philippines. He just complains so much and it's bringing me down because I can't do anything about it. I told my mom that Dad is being annoying because he's always complaining and stuff. She said try to understand him because he's just letting out his emotions because he has no other outlet. If it is making us feel this way just hearing about it, then it must be really hard for him because he is actually experiencing it. That hit me with so much guilt. My mom is so mature and I can't believe she is able to keep her cool like this. I guess I was just annoyed because my dad was complaining so much. Instead of finding a second job or trying to distract himself, going out, he is at home pitying himself. Nothing is worse than staying at home when you're trying to forget things. I'm angry that he is not fighting as hard as he could because he is still dwelling on being lonely. What I learned from this is that I should be more supportive of my dad. Not push him away because he is bring me so much loneliness. Instead, I should talk to him, try and bond with him on Skype and encourage him, help him accomplish his plans of saving up enough money. Not only will it keep him busy, it's also going to help him save faster so he can go home. Hey, it's a plan right? I love my dad. I wish I knew how to help him up. I've been drinking these past couple of days. Even when drunk, some of my friends still choose to ignore me sometimes and talk about me. I am coherent so I can still notice those things and it hurts more because they're like that even when they're drunk. It so fucking depressing, but I'm learning not to give a shit anymore. Just keep going, it will all end soon and I will meet better people. I'll just stick around the people who want me around. Right now, my friend Arvin is asking for a break in the friendship. He's like the best friend I have right now but I suppose he also likes me which makes things a little complicated. Maybe he will read this in the future. Oh well. Arvin, I like you just the way you are. If you think getting over me will be better, go for it. I will wait patiently until you want to be friends again. Of course, Arvin is like my only support through all of this shit I'm constantly wading through but I gotta stand on my own two feet now. And I need to see some sense in things, and not focus on little things. I need to be more like my mom and stop being like my dad who wallows in self pity. My brother and sister are not letting the dad thing bother them too much. Maybe they're detaching, maybe they're strong. I'm not even going to bring up the personality thing on here. I should be more like them and be strong. I can't always be sheltered. "pretty much all my life, i've been good. like no problems.and now they're all coming at me. just this year. i think this is how life really is. and at first, i wasn't ready for pain and emotional and family troubles and friends and losing people, but i think it's supposed to be like this. i can't be sheltered forever. there will always be pain and the best thing to do is to keep going and not dwell on it." Lately, when I feel sad, I try to stop myself. Like dance around and stuff because it makes me happy. I don't want to dwell in sadness. And I think, I'm sorta getting stronger now. I did a lot of growing this year. | 